This is not ok.
I thought about telling this story as a thread on Twitter, but you should read this whole story in one unbroken glance of horror.
About 7 or 8 years ago, I was in north Texas at a wedding. I did not know the wedding party well, and was someone else’s date. The reception was informal, with barbecue eaten at picnic tables. At one point, I got separated from my date and found myself sitting with strangers. One of these strangers was a middle aged white man, who was curious about me and asked me the dreaded question — “where are you from?” This was early on in my time in relocating to Texas, and I was still under the impression that I could assimilate. I mirrored the stranger’s friendliness and told him I was from Washington, D.C.. I patiently explained that my mother’s people are from Korea when he persisted in asking me where I “really” was from.
He then leaned in and asked if I could ask me if it was true about what they say about Asian women. As he said this, one of his friends (a middle aged white woman) chastised him, telling him to shut up. I was curious and so I said sure, ask away.
The stranger asked me if it was true that Asian women have crooked vaginas.
I was so stunned and confused that I looked at him, and then at his friend, and got up and walked away. I have a vague memory of the woman yelling at the man. I decided it would be safer to find my date and leave.
This happened at someone’s WEDDING.
I’m a half Korean (half Brasilian and ethnically white) woman. I’m a professional, white collar worker. I am not a dainty woman. I’m slightly taller than average (5'8"), weigh about 160 pounds and am not known for being verbally shy. I’ve studied martial arts and self defense, know how to improvise weapons, and never been mugged because I know how to walk. Bullies and predators tend to avoid me because I am not an easy mark. I’m not afraid of defending myself or others, and have done so when appropriate.
I share all these details about myself because if some dickhead in Texas thinks it’s ok to ask me about intimate details of my anatomy, consider what else is being said or done to women who are physically smaller than me. Who are quieter than me. Who can’t just get up and walk away.
In self defense, we are taught the mindset of abusers and predators. They are nearly always men, and usually white men (but not always). They often look for women who are small, around 5'2" and weight about 100–120 pounds. They look for a certain type of body language. This is amplified when we consider that Asian women are often physically smaller and might exhibit that quiet body language that a predator is looking for. Not always, but that’s how stereotypes go.
When do we have to stop defending ourselves?
I spent a part of today with a pick axe in my backyard, taking my anger and rage out on a patch of weeds. I thought about all the things I’ve done over the years to protect myself. Active shooter drills, learning how to escape from an abductor, learning how to use weapons, learning how to kick, punch, maim as acts of self preservation. I think about the eight people that died in Atlanta. I think about Breonna Taylor and George Floyd and Sandra Bland. I think about all the trans people who hope to live past 30. I think about Sarah Everard who died in London.
I do not have a pithy moral to this post. There is no moral and only thousands of actions that all have to happen simultaneously.
White people and particularly white men need to step up to these white predatory men and tell them unequivocally that violent, racist behavior will not be tolerated. These predators feel emboldened by their race and historic status, but that privilege is a falsehood. White people need to step up their allyship. The predators might not listen to other white folk, but they sure as hell are more likely to listen to a large angry white man than they are to listen to me.
I need our local, state and federal authorities to prosecute these violent actors. I need to see swift consequences that mirror the violence they committed. I need laws to be passed that protect all vulnerable populations. I am skeptical that I will see it, but I still have hope and require it as a condition of satisfaction.
We can live with the hope that the world can change and believe we can create a different reality. We can also take defensive steps to protect ourselves. In fact, we must do both things simultaneously.
Some of us will learn how to use firearms. Some of us will learn martial arts or continue to deepen our practice. We will take bystander intervention training. We will brave physical confrontation.
Some of us will find other ways to work for justice — organizing against police brutality, fighting for better laws, funding structures that protect the vulnerable. We will brave legal confrontation.
Some of us will find ways to heal our souls and spirits. We will hold sacred space and process trauma with others. We will connect with and repair our psyches.
The list of ways to help, change, build goes on.
What we cannot do is not act.
It must end.